Woody Allen QuotesWant Woody Allen Quotes? Great quotes from the famous writer and director best known for his screwball comedies featuring himself as a New York neurotic Jew!. Intelligent and ridiculous, we love him!.
Woody Allen Born 1935 Woody Allen Quotes... Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Eighty percent of success is showing up. Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there. I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose. I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government. Watch Woody Allen doing stand-up on you tube What Is Your favorite Woody Allen Quote? I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland. I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear. I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying. I failed to make the chess team because of my height. I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers. Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things. I tended to place my wife under a pedestal. I think being funny is not anyone's first choice. I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.' I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox. I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead. I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown. I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. I've never been an intellectual but I have this look. If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right. If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative. In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows. In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker. It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun. Marriage is the death of hope. Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly. Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. My one regret in life is that I am not someone else. Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words. The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once. To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. Tradition is the illusion of permanance. What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Why not share your favorite Woody Allen Quotes here!Submit A QuoteDo you have a Great Quote? We encourage You to share It with us. Subscribe to our Great Quotes site. Click on the Orange RSS button on the left and receive updates as we add more Woody Allen Quotes or more pages to our site. Return from Woody Allen Quotes to our Home Page Go to Popular Quotes by Topic Go To Quotes by Famous People
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