Woody Allen Quotes

By | September 23, 2013

Want Woody Allen Quotes? Great quotes from the famous writer and director best known for his screwball comedies featuring himself as a New York neurotic Jew!.

Intelligent and ridiculous, we love him!.

Woody Allen Quotes…

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.
Woody Allen

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I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
Woody Allen

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbedteachers.
Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought– particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone’s first choice.
Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Woody Allen Quotes

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.’
Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Woody Allen Quotes

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen

I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Woody Allen

I’m not afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Woody Allen

I’ve never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Woody Allen

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.
Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable, I’ll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Woody Allen

If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills… they don’t throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen

In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.
Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Woody Allen

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One pathleads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don’t have much fun. The rest of the time I don’t have any fun at all.
Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, ‘Be fruitful and multiply,’ but not in those words.
Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don’t have.
Woody Allen

Time is nature’s way of keeping everything from happening at once.
Woody Allen

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Woody Allen

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Woody Allen

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