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Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. I could have drank my way into a really great life!!!! TV detector man: Where's your toilet?
"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love." What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100. "I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." Plenty: My name’s Plenty. Plenty O’Toole. Dr. Evil: There's nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster. What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water? Brian: "Have I got a big nose, Mum?" Mr. Ryan: It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
"Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs." I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe. A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything. "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." "The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax." I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days. "I don't do drugs. I am drugs."
I love Los Angeles. I love Hollywood. They're beautiful. Everybody's plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic. One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures. “I don't really think, I just walk.” “Wal-mart... do they like make walls there?” If you make an ass out of yourself, there will always be someone to ride you "If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith." Work is the curse of the drinking classes. I can resist everything except temptation. I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. I modelled my looks on the town tramp. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. “Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live” “It's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well.” I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on. If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you. It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone. I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon. You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither! A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Submit A Funny QuoteWhat is your favorite Funny Quote? We encourage You to share It with us. Check Out Submitted QuotesClick below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...
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