Short Funny Quotes

By | November 8, 2013

Looking for some Short Funny Quotes? Here you will find Funny MovieQuotes, quotes by famous people and Funny Life Quotes.

Discover famous quotes in literature, great quotes from scientists, rock stars, politicians, celebrities and more. Get your Funny Quotes!

Funny Quotes from Television Shows

Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you – very homosexually.
Family Guy

I could have drank my way into a really great life!!!!
Patricia Arquette-Medium

TV detector man: Where’s your toilet?
Neil: Oh, upstairs. Just follow your nose.
The Young Ones

Quotes from Movies

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?
Or what’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
Woody Allen

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Woody Allen

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

Plenty: My name’s Plenty. Plenty O’Toole.
Bond: Named after your father, perhaps?
Diamonds Are Forever

Dr. Evil: There’s nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster.
Austin Powers

What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?
Wedding Crashers

Brian: “Have I got a big nose, Mum?”
Brian’s mother: “Stop thinking about sex!”
Monty Python’s Life of Brian

Mr. Ryan: It seems to me the only thing you’ve learned is that Caesar is a “salad dressing dude.”
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

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funny quotes

“Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.”
Alfred Hitchcock

I thought ‘Deep Throat’ was a movie about a giraffe.
Bob Hope

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
Friedrich Nietzsche

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde

“The hardest thing to understand in the world is the income tax.”

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
Benjamin Franklin

“I don’t do drugs. I am drugs.”
Salvador Dali

andy warhol quotes

The Dumbest Short Funny Quotes 

I love Los Angeles. I love Hollywood. They’re beautiful. Everybody’s plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic.
Andy Warhol 

One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
George W. Bush 

“I don’t really think, I just walk.”
Paris Hilton

“Wal-mart… do they like make walls there?”
Paris Hilton

Short Funny Quotes by Famous People

If you make an ass out of yourself, there will always be someone to ride you
Bruce Lee

“If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.”

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

I look just like the girls next door… if you happen to live next door to an amusement park.
Dolly Parton

I modelled my looks on the town tramp.
Dolly Parton 

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin

“Some people never go crazy, What truly horrible lives they must live”

Charles Bukowski 

“It’s possible to love a human being if you don’t know them too well.”
Charles Bukowski 

I’ll beat him so bad he’ll need a shoehorn to put his hat on.
Muhammad Ali 

If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.

Muhammad Ali 

It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali 

My toughest fight was with my first wife.
Muhammad Ali 

Short Funny Quotes by Comedians

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
Dave Letterman

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickuptruck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen 

You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
Drew Carey

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
Steve Martin

Anonymous Quotes 

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

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