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Funny Humorous Quotes

Searching for Humorous Quotes? Can Paris Hilton and Einstein be on the same page?

Here are some funny quotes to share with your friends or brighten your day. Great Quotes include Famous Quotes from Mae West to Ringo Star. Our Favorite Humor Quotes

“At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.”
Salvador Dali

“Have no fear of perfection–you’ll never reach it.”
Salvador Dali

Let the Humorous Quotes begin….

“Drinking Coke is like getting your period, it just happens.”
Neve Campbell in I really hate my job

“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”
George Bernard Shaw

“I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments.”
Jim Morrison

“A man in the house is worth two in the street.”
Mae West

“Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
Anonymous

Groucho Marx….

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

Woody Allen’s Humorous Quotes

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better… while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen

“Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade since it consists principally of dealing with men.”
Joseph Conrad

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
Anonymous

Lenny Bruce….

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Lenny Bruce

Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.
Anonymous

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Anonymous

Albert Einstein’s Humorous Quotes….

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
Einstein

“The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible.”
Einstein

“Everything government touches turns to crap.” Ringo Star

Interviewer “Are you a mod or a rocker?”
Ringo “I’m a mocker”
Ringo Star

Paris Hilton….

“Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.”
Paris Hilton

“I don’t like jail, they got the wrong kind of bars in there”
Charles Bukowski 

I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn’t say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.
Sting

Neil: [Reading his letter to the bank manager] Darling fascist bully-boy… Give me some more money… You bastard… May the seed of your loins be fruitful in the belly of your woman… Neil.
The Young Ones

Humorous Quotes from the Simpsons….

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
Homer Simpson

Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary.
Barry Humphries

Michael Scott: Ladies and gentleman, I have some bad news. Meredith was hit by a car.
Oscar: Where?
Michael Scott: It happened this morning in the parking lot. I took her to the hospital and the doctors tried to save her life. They did the best they could. And she is going to be ok.
Stanley: What is wrong with you? Why would you have to phrase is like that?
The office

If Harry Potter’s so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldn’t need a broomstick to cling onto.
Frankie Boyle

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia. Let them walk to school like I did.
Yogi Berra

I like talking to a brick wall, it’s the only thing in the world that never contradicts me.
Oscar Wilde- Lady Windermere’s Fan

I saw the movie, ‘Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon’ and I was surprised because I didn’t see any tigers or dragons. And then I realised why: they’re crouching and hidden.
Steve Martin

Truman Capote….

It’s a scientific fact. For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ.
Truman Capote

Bond: That looks like a woman’s gun.
Largo: Do you know a lot about guns, Mr. Bond?
Bond: No, I know a little about women.

 

Bond: You’re not my type.
Girl: Why, cause I have half a brain?
Bond: No, cause you’re single.
Casino Royal

Lois: How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I’m not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I’ll give you a call sometime. Your number’s still 911? All righty then.
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

Adams Family….

Little Girl: …and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
Addams Family Values

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Sex is like bridge: If you don’t have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
Charles Pierce

I was the first woman to burn my bra – it took the fire department four days to put it out.
Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton….

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

Dolly Parton 

Austin Powers

As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I’ll be sound as a pound!
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery